This excerpt is from a short story competition I did a few years ago. The assignment was to write an event that was sad and tragic.
Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Feeling like you are
struggling underwater fighting to breathe; hearing what is going on around you
yet not being able to do anything about it? Well, that’s how I felt. Death, it
was suppose to be quick, and fast. I should be falling into some pit of
darkness or walking towards a light but I wasn't. I was stuck in some middle
ground vaguely aware of life going on around me.
I like depictions of death. That sounds morbid XD I like it because there's so much room for creativity :D I just did one recently of heaven and hell, and I made hell an abyss, lol. This was an interesting depiction of it. I love the sensory details you provided to create a creepy sort of atmosphere. I like the narrator's confusion about it as well because the after-life depicted seems anticlimactic. I'm a bit confused if this is supposed to be present or past tense? I'm not great on grammar but it feels like some of this is in present, "I should be falling. . ." and "Is this what it's supposed to feel like?" and some is in past tense, "Well, that's how I felt." Other than that, this was enjoyable :) Is there more to it? I'm curious how this turns out.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully the remaining sentences prove to be just as interesting.
DeleteAs for the tenses, well I tend to mix them up sometimes without realizing it. I will make sure to do a better job of proofing. Thanks :)
Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors! We're glad you decided to give it a try. :-)
ReplyDeleteYour excerpt feels very candid. I felt fearful when I read the part about struggling under water. And I really think it works--leading off with a question--pulling the reader in. Good 8 :-)
Thanks for the welcome. Drowning is a fear of mine, so glad it had the effect I was after.
DeleteThis is a very well done snippet. The description of struggling underwater is so poignant. The only change I would make to this excellent excerpt is to leave out the word "Well", I would just say "That's how I felt." It is much stronger that way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the suggestion. I can see how the 'well' can make it seem a bit more unsure and not as clear. :)
DeleteWelcome to WWW. Very nice snippet, you captured a powerful moment.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
DeleteIn a coma? Looking forward to your return next week, if you decide to share further in this passage. Sucked me right in.
ReplyDeleteIt's a short-ish piece so as long as I remember to post, I will happily share the next 8.
DeleteWell, set yourself an alarm : ) We want more!!!
DeleteYes ma'am. I will be sure to do that. :)
DeleteI'm curious for more :D Well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteWelcome! This is a great first snippet, some heavy stuff here but I like it. It definitely makes me want to know more...hope you post again next week! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the welcome. I wasn't sure if there was a rating rule for the snippets, guess I'll need to look into that. This passage would be PG-13 but it does deal with a heavy subject matter.
DeleteWell done. I've been in a couple of very dire circumstances and you do feel as if the world is moving in some other speed than normal and that you're removed from it, so you captured all that quite well,. Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteWelcome to WeWriWa! ☺ I was hooked immediately and you've conveyed the anxiety of the situation so well. Hope to read more, next time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debbie. As Millie suggested, I set a reoccurring alarm on my phone to remind me to post.
DeleteHey Meka,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Weekend Writing Warriors! I really loved your piece. The opening question had me hooked, looking forward to what the character's dilemma was and if I'd react the same way. Death is one of the biggest fears out there, so I automatically felt sorry for the character, especially since he/she is stuck in purgatory. I'm looking forward to seeing the next installment.
Keep smiling,
Yawatta
Thanks, glad you liked it. It's nice to breath a little new life into these pieces that were collecting dust.
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